Note: This is a series about my mental health journey and how specific experiences led to my diagnosis of clinical depression and anxiety. For the full context, please read Part 1, the letter to my bullies and Part 2 if you haven’t already.
Hi, my beautiful swagalicious ladies.
How you all doin’? Good. Sitting down all comfy? Damn, I feel like I am starting my own stand-up comedy special on Netflix. Truth is, my friendship with all of you has been a barrel of laughs. A wondrous barrel of laughs, with tons of memories, tears, and up-and-down communicating along the way.
I mean, I have been friends with all you for at least a decade, across continents, countries and cities! YS, we’ve been friends for 20 bloody years, bro! In the truest sense, you are my oldest friend. And we live in the same damn country now for three years and I only called you a few days ago. I haven’t even spoken to JD in ages. Bugger.
I have been a truly shit-for-nuts friend for three years. Or maybe more. I don’t know. I remember I told you all about NS and how I thought he was the one I was going to marry. And we did, two years after that. It felt so good telling you all that. And meaning it.
I know what the letter to my bullies must have sounded like. It is filled with all the unimaginable vitriol building up inside me for 15 years! But the truth is, I wouldn’t be alive if it wasn’t for you guys. I don’t mean to upset you all, but if I didn’t love you all the way I did and still do, you may have seen my cremation. Or burial under a tree to help it grow, if it went my way.
I know I feel too good (almost always though) living my life now and you all deserve credit for being around me, back when I was a teenager, to see that I could live this current life. A one I love, despite its painful hardships at times.
This letter is going to be full of love. You each get separate sections. And whatever I say about you, what you consider bad or good about yourself, I say with all the love in the world. I know, acknowledge, accept, and love your flaws (as you do mine) and I also know that I wouldn’t be doing you or myself justice (as a non-fiction writer) not to represent you in the truest way I can.
Each of my relationships with you have varying degrees of closeness. But hopefully, we’ll all get to the point in our lives when we know almost everything about each other. The past parts and moments of our lives that we are yet to discover; I know there’s a lot. And I know I may not be able to cover every little detail. But I hope it truly encapsulates my journey with each of you.
That being said, I’d better fucking hear that you teared up while reading this, you magnificent bitches!
YS, you’re up first. I first met you when we were in the same school bus in First Grade. I practically grew up on and off with you through Sharjah, Dubai, and now India!
I remember the adorable six-year-old games we used to play with AK and HP and have those silly boys are yucky-girls are awesome fights with them. We’ve been to each other’s birthday parties over the years, met each other’s families and known them personally for years, our parents are friends, and I have even slept over at your place! Remember when we sat and watched Child’s Play with PL and SM back in 2011? You guys didn’t find it that scary, LOL.
But the one thing I had never known about, until recently, was the fight a bunch of you had with DS, who was bitching about me. Even 3S didn’t bother defending me at any point, but you all did. I wish I’d known about it. But now that I do, I know exactly why I am still friends with you all.
Even through college, we kept meeting. Going to a secret spot in your car and sinning on a plant dried and wrapped in thin rolls, talking about our love lives, and just shooting the shit. We even managed to rope in my college friend SK and you two hit it off as well! Again, you were the first person to meet my college friends. And you and PV even showed up to see me being awarded that Rolling Stone internship. That’s something I’ll never forget.
You know, you told me on that phone call that I appeared to be the happiest person among all of us while we were growing up. Without realising it, I was doing what the late Robin Williams spoke of, “I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.”
I saw you marry the best person in the world for you a few years after that and my heart was filled with so much love. Now, we are a couple of Marrieds yacking away about how marriage is awesome and frustrating all at the same time. 1997 singletons Bridget Jones, Jude and Shazzer would NOT be proud of us. I love you so much and I wish I could see you more often. I will be speaking to you more often for sure.
YA, I remember we first got to know each other in 5G1. You lived a few streets away from me in Sharjah (in A&A+M’s building, no less), and my mom saw you as the ideal clever girl her daughter could be friends with.
Even though you were a swotty nerd (I really did! Stupid 10-year-old me.), I loved the confidence you exuded. Your undying willingness to help someone in need, no matter who they were, warmed my heart (you let me photocopy your notes, I think). I knew I would be friends with you for a while now.
And 17 years later, I still am! But there was a five-year-gap in between (because I went off to G and you stayed in G1, when I dropped Hindi for French) and we parted in a somewhat silent yet acknowledging kind of way. But we snapped back together like magnets when you were also in G, listening to Mrs. Sathyan drone on about something or the other.
You came bouncing back into my life, along with your confidence and your willingness to help (and YS in tow, because you two are the couple I thought you’d become if you hadn’t met RS and KD), to become friends with me again. Long-lost lovers, like a true Bollywood love triangle losing and finding each other again (I’m thinking SRK, Kajol and Rani in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. Too much?).
Remember the yacht party we had for your 20th birthday? Your parents were awesome enough to let us have alcohol and we all got so wasted and started complaining about how crap our love lives were. I will never forget that time in our lives.
We’ve seen each other through it all now. Two colleges for each of us, a change in our majors (or I think you finally finding your major?), moving countries, finding the love of our lives, and finally marrying them!
You know, your confidence struck me deep within my subconscious and I wasn’t brave back then, not like I am now. In some ways, you had a bit to do with it. I know we live in different continents, but let’s try to talk more! I know I will.
PV. Good ol’ Peeves. Let’s get it out of the way. You were my first non-celeb woman crush. You made me realise that I wasn’t straight, for crying out loud. One of the best things I realised about myself!
You are a bit like Peeves, really. Full of adorable mischief and chaos, with a bit of annoyance thrown in (I mean that with all the love in the world). I think that’s what attracted me to you. I still love that about you, in the most platonic way possible, even back then.
I certainly remember not liking you at first. We were made to sit together back in the 8th Grade, and the fights we had! Eep. The stupidest ones, really. I think I could have hurled something at you, if I had that tendency. But ‘from hate comes love’, said by some random philosopher I won’t bother Googling, and we eventually grew to become friends.
I remember your birthday parties. They were epic and horrifying (I remember declaring my love to AS for the nth time at one of these parties and hanging around RSV with the secret; not my finest hour, pardonez-moi) at the same time. The Diwali parties too, where I think our parents got to know each other and my dad used to tease Mickey. Your mom calling you Chikki (right?) and having conversations just with me. Your dad acknowledging me while sitting in front of the television, with his phone in hand. Us having tuitions together for French, Maths, and Accounts. You borrowing books from me to read (and taking ages to return them) because I was such a voracious reader. Our relentless gossipy phone calls (because landline to landline in Dubai was free back then; is it still?). You standing up for me with bitches with too much of a tendency for being loudmouths, whether I was there or not. You and NT both warning me that 3S was not a good friend and being right about it. You’ve done quite a bit.
We’ve had crazy spats too, even as friends. We were like Jess and Jules in Bend It Like Beckham (really; we’ve liked the same guy at one point!). And people (by that, I mean me) thought we could become a couple. Seriously. The similarities are spooky.
I’ve seen you through HT, VBN, HT again, RM, HT once bloody again, PJ, U, and A. You’ve seen me through AS a whole bunch of times over and fucking over (the most useless time of mine; liking AS), my dad’s subordinate, SS1, NM, RM, SSB, KS, SR, and now NS. Our love lives are goddamn crazy. But it’s been fun sharing them with you.
We now live in the same city. Let’s meet more, bitch.
NT, you were my first friend when I moved from Sharjah to Dubai. You still live three buildings away from my parents (right?) and the truth is that we got off to a slightly wrong start.
I’m glad that didn’t last long though. I can’t forget hanging out at your place for parties and hangouts, snacking on your mom and M’s amazing food, getting to know your parents and extended family, and just becoming a part of each other’s lives. We’ve been on car rides together, going to tuition classes for French in Sharjah the day before many of our exams in school.
I remember the surprise you and PL gave me for my birthday once. You know something? That’s the only surprise party I’ve ever had in life and I treasure it so much. Sitting in your bedroom, gossiping about everything and nothing, making prank calls to the rando boys in our school, I miss all that so much.
I also remember missing you a ton when you got admitted into the hospital for surgery for about two months. I remember visiting you and seeing you in that hospital bed. You were tired, but your cheerfulness was still there.
I have always loved that about you; your zeal for life. You may have had ups and downs throughout, but it certainly never showed. You always kept spirits high, no matter what. I remember seeing your cheerful nature and hoping that one day, I would be able to be happy as that.
We now live in the same country and I haven’t seen you since YS’s wedding! Bad, very bad. You, YS, and JD need to visit Bangalore and stay with me!
PLP (yes, you will be referred to by your full name), my first real memory of you was walking in on you in the girls’ toilet by mistake when we were in primary school. Really. And, this one is a kicker, one of the funniest things we share in common is the fact that our dads have the same first names!
What bloody lovely memories, LMAO. YA is right; my memories of school are way too good. Great catch, YA!
I think I really became friends with you in the 7th Grade, when you first told me you liked JA. He has been your life’s biggest influence and the truth is that your relationship is one of the best relationships I have seen in my life. You have seen each other through parents’ approval/disapproval, sneaking around at certain points, doing long-distance, moving across continents and cities for the other person, living together, marrying each other and many other things that I may never know of. I remember that time when we went to Dandiya and JA was there and my parents saw you two kissing and telling me about afterwards in a disgusted tone and hoping I wasn’t doing that too (yes, they were THOSE parents). And I constantly would remind my parents that you two are a real couple and care about each other. I am so glad I was proven right. You are so lucky to have found that love so young and to grow from it into the wonderful person you are today.
You exude goodness, through and through. I haven’t known you otherwise. I am certainly no picnic; I was a douche to you, YS and a couple others when I was dating RM. But I can’t say you’ve ever been that way with me. I grew up around you for a fair bit, us getting to know each other’s families over the years and you moving from Satwa to 3S’s building in Bur Dubai.
Our families got to know each other, starting meeting socially, the whole shebang. Despite changing streams in Grade 11, it brought us closer, thanks to the gang. I may not have spoken to you much, but I know I did a lot when we all went out. Those great times at the bowling alley in Deira City Centre and the outing at JBR, the time we had that epic sleepover with booze when we were 19 and gabbing on out about our love lives, the number of quotes we would put into The Quote Book even after school was done (ermahgerd, The Quote Book finally came up; I think that was truly my first ever unpublished novella. I still have it, BTW.)!
We may not have spoken much in the last two years almost, and I unceremoniously ditched you at your wedding at the last minute (I still hate that), but the truth is that you haven’t. Actually, none of you have (despite going MIA for a while). You all still love me despite it. Why the fuck do you think I am writing this at all?
SM, you really are the person who has held us together. With the group, with planning outings; you have been an integral member through and through, more so than any of us.
I don’t even think I can say anything bad about you, SM. Like PL, you exude such goodness (or maybe I haven’t fought with you yet). I swear, I saw this in you the first time you entered the class way back in 6th Grade. Within the first few days of knowing you, I knew you were going to be my friend. But I definitely couldn’t predict the extend to which you would impact my life.
You are also a silent force of nature. You may speak only when it is utterly necessary, but what you say definitely has power. Furthermore, when you are talking away constantly with us, it’s something I live for. Rather, I think it’s something we all live for.
I may have known you since 2003, but the truth is that our friendship found its true ground in 11G. And I am so grateful to have gotten to know you through school and college. I saw you go out into the world to college for the first time and when you came back, your ‘glow-up’ was one of the best things I’d ever seen. I had never been more proud of anyone blossoming in their life than I was of you. It also inspired me to explore and become the person I was meant to be once I finally had the opportunity to leave home.
The truth is that, SM, you and I both come from conservative-ish Malayali families. That’s why I feel a stronger connect with you in this regard. We have both lived under the shadows of our parents throughout our childhoods and we ended up having to discover who we really are without their help or interference.
SM, you deserve all the success and happiness in the world. I know you are destined to do the most fantastic things you could possibly dream of. For now, I know you’re living the best life you possibly can.
JD, you are one of the most unlikely friends I have ever had in school. When you first joined G1, I just saw you as ‘that girl from abroad’. I never liked you or disliked you. You just…existed.
That would all change when you became a part of G. We lived close to each other, we went to tuition classes together, and we sat close to each other in class. It was hard not to become friends with you. I found out how adorable, unintentionally hilarious, and generally sweet you were (and still are).
I feel like our relationship became even closer with you going away to college in Pune. I remember that WhatsApp and BlackBerrys were a huge deal back then (because they had just launched) and you happened to have both. I was struggling with my first college being really shitty and trying to get over RM. You were there to talk me through it, with WhatsApp and even Skype calls when you had the time.
You shared with me about how college was going on for you and the struggles that you were facing with your roommate, your friends, and their boyfriends (remember AV?). I remember the times when it would really bring you down and we would just comfort each other. I will never forget those times.
When you came back after first year, I told you (and everybody else here) that I hated what I was studying. In a few months, you all, in stages, helped me get over RM and even gave me the courage to tell my parents that I wanted to study journalism.
Even now, you contribute significantly to my life. Your school classmate from Indonesia, RA, is my closest friend ever! I’m hoping you come down to Bangalore soon, because you know I will show you the best time of your life!
Come soon, JD! Drag YS and bring her along too. I’m counting on both of you.
GN. I am going to start off with the hugest apology I can possibly muster. The last three years haven’t been easy for me, but that is no excuse for the fact that I haven’t told you about what is going on.
I can’t do it here, in public. I’m not even sure if I can message you after so long. Truth is, GN, you’re the hardest person I’ve ever had to figure out in the group. I still haven’t been able to do that. I don’t even know what you truly think of me, which is probably why I can’t write as much as I’d like to about you.
However, there is one thing I know, you are a good friend. You always have been. I just haven’t reciprocated.
Like almost everybody here, I got to know you when we were all grouped together in G. Frankly, you scared me a little, because even at that age, you weren’t afraid or embarrassed of who you were and still are. You wore your personality loud and proud. At the same time, I know you have quite a few secrets that very few people are privy to. Or some to which none are privy at all.
Like YA, you were one of the people who indirectly encouraged me to live my life without worrying about what anyone else thought. You also were, and will always be, one of the few people to call me out on my shit as it is. I am grateful for that and for the fact that you exist.
I do hope we can talk after you read this. I hope you would be proud of the person I am today and I certainly hope you don’t hate me.
AM, ours is probably the strangest relationship ever. When you first joined school, I just couldn’t stand you (and I’m guessing it was reciprocal)! Initially, I assumed you were one of those ‘Choueifat snobs’ and I just didn’t want anything to do with you.
But all that changed! We started bonding, thanks to JH, about the sacred list of hot boys (like Alex Pettyfer; he’s still so fine BTW!), filling up the quote book with the most random shit, you teasing me about having a crush on Kunal Khemu (I don’t anymore; thank fuck); I’m glad I shed that stupid adolescent hate and got to know the real you.
One thing you do deserve is a great amount of thanks (along with AN and PV), for defending me on the JJ status (and probably even defending me in real life when I wasn’t around). I am also sorry that I put my foot in my mouth and mentioned hookers near my place to your dad that one time when he was dropping us off back home. If he does remember me, tell him I said, “Sorry, Uncle! I was a stupid kid back then.”
I know we haven’t spoken in years and I have no idea what has happened in your life for the last seven years, but I hope you get to see this! Thank for exceeding my expectations.
Over the years, all of you believed in me and you still do. You make me realise that I wasn’t alone and I wish I’d communicated with you all more than I did, throughout our friendships. I may be non-binary (and queer) now, but you all deserve the credit for bringing out the girl and the woman in me.
I am sorry I haven’t been as much in touch as a friend should have been. Fuck different countries and continents. You all changed my life at a very young age and you deserve medals for that. I love you all.
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